The Simpsons - It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?! Stupid Monkey!

I've been a big fan of the Simpsons for as long as I can remember, whether it be using random quotes as responses to life's everyday questions, its a television show that is one of my all time favs. With the release of the new Simpsons Movie, which has been 18 years in the making, a side of me was excited on the idea of a movie of my favourite show and to relive all the comedic joy from my years past. The other side of me determined that if the movie was anything like the current show, that it'll be a huge disappointment. The best Simpsons episodes were from the early seasons preferable 4-10 after the show became a bit contrived and the jokes weren't really there. My fav character is probably Mr Burns, Kent Brockman, Milhouse, and Homer of course. I've compiled a list of my favorite quotes.

Enjoy!

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Grampa: [writing] I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

Homer: Is that a good siren?
Bob, RV Salesman: You ever known a siren to be good? No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella and you're out of business!" That's what the siren says. It seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range, and "wee bit" is me being polite. You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million.

[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]
Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!
Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However...[He pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker]Sales clerk:I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Homer: He's awake
Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before.
Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance
Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.

Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
Homer: Pffft, English, who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke!

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

[Homer is eying up a pair of luxurious tennis shoes]
Homer: Oh, 125 bucks...
[Flanders appears in a `thought' balloon over Homer's head.]
Flanders: Sometimes, you got to spoil yourself... spoil yourself... spoil yourself...
Homer: But I can't afford to-
Flanders: Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes!
Homer: Okay, Flanders, you're the boss! Heh heh heh.

Mr. Burns: Excellent. Once again the wheel has turned and Dame Fortune has hugged Montgomery Burns to her sweet, perfumed bosom. Somebody up there likes me, Smithers.
Smithers: Somebody down here likes you too.
Burns: Shut Up!

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!
Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, à la "Wonder Years"] Me? Get a job? Were they serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we-
Homer: Bart! Stop it!
Bart: Sorry.

Homer: [affecting accent] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: ...I don't know.

Burns: Who is that bookworm, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Burns: Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate!Chief

Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the... um... What cures cancer?

Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Kent: The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.
Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: Uh... Could you edit that last part out?
Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.
Homer: D'oh!

Mr.Burns: Quick Smithers. Bring the mind eraser device!
Smithers:You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr.Burns: Precisely.

Mr. Burns: Woah, slow down there maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?

Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If you did it, sir?

Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.

Kent Brockman: Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute.
Bart: You com'ere a minute."
Homer: Oh yeah?

Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.
Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down.
Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet.

I'll come up with some more later!!

The Frozen Shirt

A light bulb went off in my head after a soccer game during a hot an humid summer night. We had just finished playing and we were discussing how the Nike Dri-Fit jerseys were still soaking wet. As the synapses started firing at a faster pace, I began theorizing an idea which would provide the ultimate climate cool.

(WARNING: PATENT PENDING, aka DON'T STEAL MY SHIT, YOU RAT BASTARDS!)

My idea consists of developing a fabric similar to climacool technology or Dri-Fit, where as NO2 or Nitric Oxide is infused or woven in to provide actual cooling. These strands of "dry ice" would provide the cooling effect. Using RF technology which can detect increases in heart rate and temperature can control the precision of how cold the strands become. This material would be powered through either kinetic energy sensors built into logos which or could be powered externally from a watch or bracelet. That is the basic premise of the solution to providing the next generation of high performance clothing.

The kinetic energy or stored energy sources would provide energy to power the shirt or piece of clothing for 2 hours. Once the energy and consequently cooling capabilities of the fabric would lose its properties it would be a time for a recharge. A recharge would consist of refreezing the fabric or replacing the battery in the watch or within the logo of the shirt. The fabric would provide an even medium for temperature of the outside environment and a person's body temperature to compensate for physical activity. The cooling mesh within the shirt would allow for more comfortable approach to athlete performance.

This is a preliminary design and after some more research, we'll see if this is feasible or not. This would revolutionize clothing for an active lifestyle, an I'm sure the team at Nike or Adidas are diligently working on this...Hey guys if you need another person on your team, holla!

Operation: Banana Ram

For a team building event at work, we were taken to African Lion Safari. The entire week, I had been pitching the idea of how awesome a monkey would be around the office. You know, helpful with thing such as photocopying and occasional shit throwing contests, it would be great. This idea was formulated in my head and we figured that our upcoming trip to African Lion Safari would be the mostly opportunistic chance.

A monkey, like Homer's helper monkey Mojo, would make life just a bit more fun. The idea of being able to teach it things, make it dance, eat things, make fun of other people with it and lets not forget battle it, especially if it steals your keys or banana. Like Mojo, you can dress him up with popular monkey fashion, whether it be a glittery vest and a fez. Hell, you can pimp him out him up like 50 cent. You could even teach it to speak English, answer your phone for you.

"Hey monkey, you wanna get that? yeah tell her I'm not here....for fuck sakes, I told you answer the phone, not throw it... Get down from there!"

The monkey would be great from a career standpoint as well, and then literally have an assistant and/or scapegoat. Something goes wrong blame the monkey and then take credit for the monkey's work (this depends on how well you've taught the monkey the aspects of your job). You can't really ever teach the monkey to be the model employee because eventually that ambitions son of a bitch will be promoted or even worse take your job.

"Ok hire the monkey, Fire Bamrah"...... No one wants to hear that.

Well all week, we all had decided that it would be fun to have a monkey around the office and devised a plan which involved, luring the unsuspecting monkey to our tour bus and then some how hiding it in my shirt an leaving the park. Sadly, this fool proof plan did not pan out since they locked the tour bus doors from the outside and did not allow the windows to be opened. Our dream specifically my dream of having a monkey bring me coffee will have to wait, oh well, at least theres the co-op kids.

Transformers: Robots in Disguise

With the new live action Transformers Movie being recently released to theaters, I was hunting for a review of the movie, when I stumbled upon this article from the makers of Cracked Magazine. A preview from this article :

#7. Soundwave

Transforms into: A cassette player

Why is he useless?

Soundwave looks like he should be 100 percent badass, until you get to know him. He can read minds, intercept and block radio transmissions and is one of the strongest Transformers around; no easy task when all of your peers are enormous robots.

You stop liking/fearing/respecting Soundwave, however, when you realize that he uses all of his robot powers for the sole purpose of spying on his fellow Decepticons to detect mutiny. Seriously, he quietly hangs around his evil pals, waits for them to take issue with one of Megatron's orders and then records the shit out of it.

The other downside to Soundwave is that, when he's not out being a giant robo-narc, he's a motherfucking cassette player. We stopped needing a cassette player in like the early '90s. Can you even name a single person who owns a cassette tape anymore? If we want some tunes, we can just use the mp3 player on our niece's camera phone.

Did you hear that, Soundwave? Our 7-year-old niece's camera phone is a more impressive Transformer than you.

The entire article can be read here.

While I disagree with the author on the uselessness of Soundwave, people forget that he was the one who could create Energon cubes which were filled with the earth's energy. He also had a a puma and falcon which were transforming cassette tapes (Rumble and Lazerbeak). His transforming power just wasn't great, I mean a cassette player? really? Soundwave gives the illusion of being cool because he's almost like a DJ and the closest thing to hiphop, he even looks like he's wearing headphones. While Soundwave isn't in the new Transformers Movie, I bet he will be in Transformers 2. Most Likely he'll come back as a massive transforming iPod or something.

Oh I found a hilarious preview, enjoy.

UPDATE: Just saw it.... FUCKING AWESOME!!